UWF Fury Hour: Episode 13

UWF Fury Hour Episode 13, 7th January 1991

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray opens the show with a rant about Ivan Koloff and praising America or something.

Ivan Koloff thinks America is dumb.

Craig and Bruno say "Hi".

Herb is a mess.

Colonel DeBeers vs Riki Ataki
Bruno tries to give Ataki some respect. He's excited to be going to back to New York and brags about the amount of times he headlined Madison Square Garden (211!). Ataki hits a big move but celebrates before going for the pin, so of course he doesn't win.

Winner = Colonel DeBeers via DDT

Herb yells at the Colonel who replies in German and then (in English) insults Herb's choice in prostitutes. Herb makes fun of DeBeers for only having one eye. Fighting with one eye is kind of bold, actually. Extremely dangerous.

Iceman explains the concept of a referee but still hasn't checked the chemical density of mud as compared to blood.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still angry about that attack by Dr. Death. Fair enough; I am still angry with that person who said something rude outside a restaurant 30 years ago. 

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Baseball Guy
Baseball Guy attacks Orndorff before the bell before he can even get his robe off, which only make Orndorff angrier.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Herb gets in the ring and acts like a shitburger, so Orndorff grabs the mic and spits all over it.

'Dr. Death' Steve Wiliams tells Orndorff not to turn his back on him. I don't think he ever did.

Don Muraco vs Terry or Jerry Mooley?
Huh?

Winner = Don Muraco via nothing

That was like 3 moves. And they weren't impressive moves.

Call the UWF hotline and talk to somebody! But not 'The Golden Greek' because he's out in a Midnight Express limousine.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's guest is Louie Spicolli and they just insult each other's looks. You're both ugly - let's move on. Spicolli tries to talk about a baby doll or something, so Albano just yells some more. Fuck off.

Herb and Bruno are at the UWF Box Office to run us down the "Rumble in The Big Apple", since it's only 2 days away now. Bruno is really drinking the kool-aid on this:
"I don't know when New York has seen a more impressive card than this one."
"Every one of these matches could be a main event in any city"
Yeah - that Ivan Koloff vs 'Wild Thing' match tonight is sure going to set the world on fire.

Larry Zybysko is willing to grant David Sammartino a meeting with God or something.

Ask The Wrestlers

Why are you asking Lou fucking Albano? WTF would he know? Albano is willing to help Bruno if he needs it. Yeah, the greatest champion in the history of pro-wrestling needs the help of an old fat former manager.

We get a recap of the B. Brian Blair/Bob Orton feud, which leads to an interview with B. Brian Blair recorded earlier. He says... he doesn't like Bob Orton! Wow! What a shocking turn of events.

B. Brian Blair vs Louie Spicolli
Honey is finally back from the grave. Bruno plugs the New York shows again. I mean, surely it can't be more boring than this.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via awful sharpshooter

Herb admires Honey's bravery in returning to work after a month. Captain Lou Albano takes over and Herb is like 'leave me alone, please'. Herb mentions Orton didn't show for an earlier advertised match - so you're warning fans the next match might not actually happen?? Interesting promotion tactic...

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos can't believe B. Brian Blair needs a whole team of people to face them in New York. They have got a point there.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills the merch! They are still making 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts? I guess they printed a whole bunch in anticipation of it being such a popular item.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
'Wild Thing' again tries to steal a child, but doesn't get very far this time, so gives up and goes back to the pretty woman because she at least is receptive to him. 'Wild Thing' gets Koloff at a disadvantage and... just... let's him go? Interesting strategy! Ray hits a flying crossbody and gets a two count, but Koloff reverses it or something for the pin.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via pin reversal hilarity

Koloff attacks with the chain, but Ray steals it and Koloff runs away.

Captain Lou Albano goes on another rant about 'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos.

Boring

Thoughts:

• WCW was marginally better than this show. Marginally.