UWF Fury Hour: Episode 38

UWF Fury Hour Episode 38, 12th August 1991

We have finally moved on from The Beach Brawl highlights! Although I sure will miss those office interviews... So after the disastrous spectacle that was the UWF's first and only PPV, where do they go from here? Who will step up to challenge the new UWF Sportschannel TV Champion?

There's footage of New York throughout the opening... yet Craig tells us we're in Florida? Looks like even these guys lost their budget.

Captain Lou Albano is backstage with The Fire Cat who has... uh... 
He says everyone else is bigger than him and Albano buries him as being "average-sized". They both try to imitate meowing and hissing.

We're back in an underground cave but now the ring mat is orange.

The Fire Cat vs Death Row 3260 (w/Some Little Dude)

Death Row 3260 is a man who went to prison for a crime he didn't commit and he's now out for revenge against society. Okay. Death Row 3260 is the new most useless wrestler I've seen yet.

Winner = The Fire Cat via roll up

Death Row 3260 is so garbage he couldn't even roll through on to both of his shoulders - he was clearly on his side, but I guess that's the best he could do.

Btw we no longer have any on-screen graphics - not just for jobbers but for anyone at all.

Captain Lou's Corner
This week Albano is in the ring and Herb joins him to interview Mr. Red. At Beach Brawl, Mr. Red was embarrassed in front of thousands of people. There was like 20 people in attendance and possibly less watched it on PPV. Mr. Red is now the "owner" of the Captain's Corner segment. What the fuck does that even mean? Albano beats him up until some bad guys come out. Herb hilariously fails to escape the ring but they still don't do anything to him. Mr. Red lays dead in the ring while people tend to him - this is generally how you would deal with a good guy being sneak attacked. UWF booking at it's finest!

I can't even begin to describe how hilariously terrible this voice over is. Also, no fucking way this show happens.

Frank E is backstage with Luna Vachon & The Black Harts - not Joan Jett & the Blackhearts. She's says they will be tag team champions and "God is an astronaut". 

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Joe and Dave

Luna screams a lot. Craig asks Bruno if he's seen The Phantom of the Opera and then seems confused that Bruno says yes. You're surprised he's a cultured man? Were you trying to trap him into showing he didn't get cultural references? Albano joins them on commentary and Bruno tries to shut him down - Bruno is my hero! The Black Harts hit their finisher but then throw the dude out of the ring to beat him up some more? A Black Hart hits a kick and Craig calls it a "Russian leg-sweep". Mother. Fucker. 

Winners = The Black Harts via another double team move

I've given up believing Craig about which double-team move is actually the vegematic, because he can't even call a fucking KICK correctly.

I really want some 'Dr. Death' cookies - Piña Colada sounds good! Bruno's were supposed to be next but I think somehow production didn't make it that far.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton

Orton attacks before the bell - doesn't he always do that to Orndorff? Someone in the crowd yells "kick his wonderful ass!". Orndorff kinda 'hulks up' and beats up Orton. Do you think they talked earlier about wearing matching colours today?

They fight outside the ring and Orton beats Orndorff with a chair. Bruno is like 'Why is the ref not counting them out? Or disqualifying Orton?' because if this was episode 2, this match would have been thrown out about 10 minutes ago. Craig tries to tell us he went to Orndorff's house to read his dictionary and the word "submission" had been removed. Pretty sure Orndorff has used submissions before. And Craig's never been to his house. Bruno says getting your arm broken instead of quitting is stupid hahaha. Things start getting crazy and... stupid voice over informs us the match is too long to be shown this week.

Classic.

Winner = The UWF Fury Hour Editor for making this show look stupid every week.

Thoughts:

• I... just... I don't know
• Nine more episodes to go...