UWF Fury Hour: Episode 29

UWF Fury Hour Episode 29, 20th May 1991

Captain Lou Albano is still filling in for Bruno Sammartino. A painful reminder they are sure to give me about 20 times. Craig tells us we are now only two weeks away from The Beach Brawl! Except... it's actually three.  Albano is staking his 38 years experience on the UWF being the best... There's a six-man tag match tonight and Craig is cut off which is the best part of the show.

Wet N' Wild vs Big Bobby & Al Jobeer or Something(?)
Wet N' Wild come out to Vanilla Ice's Play That Funky Music and it has me wondering if they should actually be my favourite tag-team.

Albano rates Wet N' Wild at a "90" because they could still use a little bit of improvement. You think?!?! Craig calls a slam a "belly to belly suplex". Fuck that guy.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via splash

Big Bobby didn't even get in the ring once.

The 1957 Chevy Phone is a replica of the 1957 Chevy and an actual working phone? Talk about advancements in technology!

Ask The Wrestlers

He hints that they may get back together at The Beach Brawl. Aren't you in the TV Championship tournament? You can't have a tag-team partner in that, dork.

Malia Hosaka vs Luna Vachon
Vachon comes out to Mötley Crüe, so she deserves to win. Albano wants to know if Hosaka is married. I'm pretty sure you weigh about 4-times as much as her and are 3-times her age. Albano makes "jokes" about both women's looks, so Craig tries his hand at the sake "jokes" this time. And then The Black Harts fuck up the ending.

Winner = Luna Vachon via Hosaka being tripped

Wet N' Wild come out and beat up The Black Harts with chairs.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian Ricco is back to talk to us about Dr. Herb Abrams' tournament format. 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams beat Nikolai Volkoff in 3 minutes. Wow. Bam Bam Bigelow beat Ivan Koloff. Oh NOW he's giving the details of the quarterfinalists. You're a week late, pal! Or Craig was a week early. Either way, this is what happens when you tape five weeks of TV shows in one day, and then have them edited together by a monkey.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos is with The Power Twins. He is proud to actually have a stable at last, so lists off everyone. He's convinced he will lead The Power Twins to tag-team glory! Hey, he did get 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey a gig with WCW, right? So maybe he's going to set up a match against the Steiner Brothers?

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Corporal Kirschner & David Perry
Albano makes fun of Corporal Kirschner for not being able to get a promotion.

Winners = The Power Twins via double elbow that may or may not be The Power Ending

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano just yells incredibly racist jibberish at Malia Hosaka. She replies in Japanese, but speaks very quietly so I can't pick up what she said. After Albano yells more jibberish, she walks away laughing and both of them are picked up on the mic saying they have no idea what he was saying.

Fuck. You.

The most excited men in the USA call the UWF Powerline!

The Lynx vs Mr. V
Albano thinks Craig adds legitimacy to pro-wrestling. Now he's talking about sports in the '30s and '50s, before raving about building military weapons. 

Winner = The Lynx via rollup

I'm not sure what was worse - the commentary or the botching.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, Bam Bam Bigelow & B. Brian Blair vs Boris Zhukov, 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Rusty Brooks
How in the fuck did Rusty Brooks get in this match?? He and Albano get into an argument about who is fatter or something... Then Albano gets Zhukov confused with Nikita Koloff. That dude isn't even with this company anymore - I'll give you an update on him after this match, but I can assure you, what he's involved with is infinitely better than this. Of course, the match just turns into a brawl and then for some reason the bell rings in the middle of it.

Winners = The good guys via Bam Bam Bigelow pinning Boris Zhukov or something?

Thoughts:

• Holy shit Lou Albano needs to go!
• Yesterday, I watched WCW Superbrawl 1991 and it was infinitely better than this. Particularly when Nikita Koloff got into a brawl with Sting. He made the right decision leaving the UWF and returning to WCW - even if it is just for a month.
• These matches were all terrible.
• And the commentary was worse.