UWF Fury Hour: Episode 30

UWF Fury Hour Episode 30, 27th May 1991

Herb greets us from the editing room to tell us that tonight we'll see the UWF Sportschannel UHF Vidiot Championship Tournament semi-finals. What happened to the quarter-finals??

Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco
Bruno Sammartino is back on commentary - yay! And this match is a wild, crazy brawl - yay! And... fuck me!

Draw via double-disqualification

Apparently, this was one of the quarter-finals. Huh? Does Dr. Abrams not understand how tournaments work?

Luna Vachon says some weird stuff and The Power Twins are number one - all to promote the new TV Champion at Beach Brawl?

Holy fuck we really are off to the races here.

Captain Lou Albano has yet another ad for the hotline and begs people to call him. He seems lonely.

Colonel DeBeers is back with a big black dude called Mr. Black as his servant or something. This just proves DeBeers is an equal opportunity employer.

Colonel DeBeers (w/Mr. Black) vs Soul Train Phillips
Craig says Mr. Black is DeBeers' "aide" and then straight up calls DeBeers "the racist from South Africa". Soul Train goes for the pin, but DeBeers knocks him into the referee. Which leads to DeBeers stomping the referee and then a shot of the crowd... worshipping DeBeers??

Odd shot to cut to. DeBeers gives Soul Train the DDT on the concrete carpet.

Winner = Soul Train Phillips via disqualification

I've already had ads for The Beach Brawl twice, Captain Lou's hotline, Weight Gain 3000, The Beach Brawl again and now the Power Line.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Quarter-Final
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Will this last longer than the previous quarter-final? Bruno says 'Wild Thing' needs to improve. Once again, Bruno with the brutal honesty. Craig lists off the other quarter-finals and it's hilarious because we've already seen Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy and Herb told us who will be in the semi-finals. Not to mention they've been advertising people like B. Brian Blair as having matches at Beach Brawl that are clearly not part of the tournament. These two have been fighting outside the ring now for like a count of 70, yet other matches get counted out in about 3 seconds.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via turnbuckle slam thingee

Herb gets in the ring and seems to talk some shit to Steve Ray, who then takes a swing at Herb. So Herb runs behind 'Dr. Death' for safety. Apparently some sort of personal issue here, or maybe an attempt at some kind of worked shoot. Who the hell knows?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton wants to see you at The Beach Brawl! Is it The Beach Brawl or just Beach Brawl? I'm honestly confused...

B. Brian Blair vs Power Twin #1 (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos & Power Twin #2)
Aren't the Power Twins' names Larry and David? Holy shit - wouldn't Larry David be an awesome wrestling manager?!? Oh, we are just sticking with calling them "Power Twin #1" and "Power Twin #2" because Bruno straight up said he has zero interest in learning their names and who am I to argue with Bruno? The Power Twins keep swapping places like some sneaky bad guys, but Blair still keeps beating them up. He attempts his shitshooter so the other Power Twin hits him with a shoe. 

Winner = B. Brian Blair via disqualification

'Jumping' Jim Brunzell runs out to make the save! Yay! It's the tag-team reunion no one asked for! So the director again cuts to the nerds in the crowd doing the worship thing.

I'm genuinely tempted to order Bruno's book the next time Book Depository give me a coupon.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still blasting his arms.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is back! He calls Terry Gordy a "young man" so I look it up and in 1991 holy shit Terry Gordy was 30 years-old! I would never have guessed that. Say no to drugs, kids.

Joshua Bengorian vs The Beast
This Bengorian guy looks like the biggest fucking dork and comes out to traditional Jewish music or something.

Apparently he's ex-Israeli military like Gal Gadot. The commentators choose to make fun of The Beast and I'm like 'guys, The Beast is actually the least awful thing happening here', because - unbelievably - Bengorian is more awful than he looks. Bruno quickly realises I'm right and starts burying the guy. Dude hits three clotheslines and Craig calls each one "The Israeli Airforce Bomber".

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via clothesline from the middle-rope that is also called The Israeli Airforce Bomber

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy turned out to be The Bounty Hunter - they're both tall and shit.

Herb tells us that Cactus Jack didn't show up for his quarter-final match against Bam Bam Bigelow and instead of showing us all the subsequent drama that took place in the ring, Herb describes it to us. Seriously. And then announces that the final of the tournament will be Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. So out of 3 matches only 1 dude actually had to win a match to make it to the final? And what happened to the 4th quarter final??

The commentators talk about Beach Brawl happening next week. Craig needs a fucking calendar.

Thoughts:

• This may actually be the worst tournament I've ever seen; one quarter-final was thrown out after 30 seconds, another wrestler advances without actually wrestling, and then another quarter-final didn't even take place. What in the actual fuck is this nonsense??
• Joshua Bengorian can go stick a dreidel up his pee hole.
• WCW was absolutely better this week. Me blowing my nose was better than this show.