UWF Fury Hour: Episode 26

UWF Fury Hour Episode 26, 29th April 1991

We've moved to Florida!

And Bruno obviously knows what's up, so he's been replaced on commentary by Captain Lou Albano OH FUCK YOU NO!!! Albano supports women wrestlers? Luna Vachon will be here tonight. Her episode of Dark Side of the Ring is airing today so, like, are the producers of that just scanning this show for people to profile?

We get a tour of Universal Studios Florida and I'm like 'No, thanks!'

B. Brian Blair vs Rico Federico
Bah gawd! They are wrestling outside in the hot Florida summer to no one!

Hilarious! Craig is now trying to start a rumour that Albano will be entering the UWF Sportschannel Drive-Thru Championship tournament. You know what? Why the fuck not? Make it Albano vs John Tolos for the title and I'm all in. So long as I never have to see B. Brian Blair do this fucking awful Sharpshooter ever again.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via Shitshooter

Ask The Wrestlers

Awwww I love the naivety! Orndorff thinks it is more likely one of them goes to the hospital. To visit Justin, who just died of a broken heart?

Call Lou's "Rapline" and get a "Slapline" from me.

Malia Hosaka (?) vs Penelope Paradise (w/Luna Vachon)
They are going on and on about how "beautiful" Paradise is, but I can assure you this is all slander.

Of course, Hosaka being Japenese means Albano must make sake jokes. John Tolos joins the commentary to try and save my soul but this match is over.

Winner = Malina Hosaka via rollup

Albano can't handle a Japanese American? Fuck you.

Brian Ricco is the UWF's new reporter. He says Herb is a doctor, so I immediately question his journalistic credentials. Brian gives us a run down of the tournament results so far - I wasn't even aware they tournament had started! Are you going to let us know about any upcoming matches in the "tournament"?

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Rusty Brooks
Albano says Brooks used to weigh over 400 pounds, but now he's down to around 320. But he's still bigger than Bigelow, who is supposed to weigh 400 pounds. Albano makes some comments about watching cartoons on Bigelow's head - but the tattoos would get in the way? I have no fucking idea what he's on about. Albano also has trouble saying "Rusty". Fuck that guy.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via headbutt

Brian Ricco interviews Bigelow after the match and he's flat out exhausted after having to wrestle in that heat.

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Dusty Wolfe & Big Bobby (?)

The Black Harts? Is that like Owen Hart and and emo version of Bret Hart? Albano thinks top-rope moves should be illegal and then complains about things being unfair. Didn't this dude discuss how he used to manage cheaters all the time?

Winners = The Black Harts via double-team

Fat dude was too fat for them to execute their double-team finisher properly.

Brian Ricco wants some info on The Black Harts because he's a crack journalist that doesn't do research on his own. Luna just screams at him like she's reading from a Tolkien novel. It's fucking great!

How was Stone Cold not a blockbuster hit and 'The Boz' not a huge star??

Captain Lou's Corner
Bam Bigelow is here. He's on a diet because he wants to eat people. Albano thinks Bigelow will be the champion, but he also thinks the UWF will sponsor the Sportschannel Champ or something...

Boris Zhukhov is pleased to be in the UWF. I bet you are pleased to actually have a job in 1991. He wants to pin people.

Boris Zhukov vs Big V
Zhukov does the classic "everybody stand for my foreign country's national anthem!"

Albano just makes fart noises, then starts insulting Herb? He uses the same gawdam insults he's been using all through the show. He and Herb just start yelling at each other about how great the UWF is. Which is why Boris fucking Zhukov vs Big V is your main event.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via pinfall following clothesline from behind

Brian interviews Zhukov and he manages to say he's number one before we have to go to commercials.

And the show is over! The Power Twins were supposed to wrestle, but "time has pinned them". Classic.

Thoughts:

• Craig and Capt Lou should never commentate together again. Ever.
• On a show that generally looks cheap and unpopular, outdoor wrestling in front of 50 people just took it to a whole new level.
• WCW was certainly better than this.