UWF Fury Hour: Episode 12

UWF Fury Hour Episode 12, 31st December 1990

It's New Year's Eve! And what better way to spend it by watching... the worst pro-wrestling show ever?

We open with a recap of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams beating 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff with a chair. Apparently people were concerned 'Mr. Wonderful' may never be able to wrestle again!  Also: "The Rock from Hawaii!" Seriously, that's what Herb screamed! But... it's probably not that Rock from Hawaii.

THIS IS THE FURY HOUR!

I much prefer this opening. Craig and Bruno are interested in tonight's show. Craig calls Herb unpredictable. Guess he's back on the coke tonight. Herb runs down the "stars" we'll be seeing tonight. He leads with THE VIKING so everything else is just a disappointment. UWF have a hotline.

THE VIKING is back. He promises to send dudes home on stretchers again and they cut his promo short because I'm guessing it was too intimidating.

THE VIKING vs Baseball Gimmick Jobberdude
I wish I could make out what THE VIKING's entrance song is. He's got a not so plastic hammer today. So it's a viking against a baseball player?

BRING IT ON! Craig thinks you can sleep on THE VIKING's boots? He tries a leapfrog and it almost goes badly. Craig calls a slam a "powerplex". THE VIKING dedicates his elbow drop to a fan in the crowd - lucky fan!

Winner = THE VIKING via his worst match so far

Herb is "fed up with this guy". THE VIKING calls him a smurf. Herb says something about THE VIKING maiming his opponents which would have worked after one of his other matches, but this was his worst so far and he barely hurt the dude.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton loves New York and will fight B. Brian Blair there. 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos says they're gonna suplex the whole city. I'm guessing that means New York is actually a transformer like Metroplex and Orton will then suplex Metroplex in robot form. I missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Terry Cooley?
Honestly, Herb, how much extra would it cost to get the jobber's names written on the screen? 

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via figure-4 leglock

The UWF Hotline! Now you can pay to have Herb Abrams shout at you on the phone!

'Iceman' King Parson vs Louie Spicolli
Parsons is the big black dude that came out at the end of the last episode to help the black referee beat up Colonel DeBeers. His name is 'Iceman' and of course his entrance music is Ice Ice Baby. I'm not sure why, but Craig makes a point of calling Louie Spicolli "Cutie Pie" instead of Louie Spicolli. And he has to do it every 20 seconds; he's all, "Cutie Pie does this, Cutie Pie does that, Cutie Pie, Cutie Pie, Cutie Pie!".

Craig: Iceman "is very cool!"
Bruno: "..."
Craig: "Get it? Iceman. Cool."
Bruno: "Right... Anyway..."

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via flying butt attack he calls the Rumper Stumper or something

Herb asks Parsons why he's here and explains that he is black referee Larry's cousin and "Blood is thicker than mud!" As a scientist, I can tell you that is demonstrably false.

John Tolos is shilling the limo again. I mean, there's worse things to be promoting.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is upset because he has to help B. Brian Blair. He brings in "Coach Tolos" so they can shout at each other. Tolos thinks this is a conspiracy - what, making B. Brian Blair have an old fat due for a manager? Albano just shouts "That's right, Coach!" about 17 more times.

The UWF will hold a "Fan Expo" in New York. What an exciting event for about 3 people!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams says he once lived in New Jersey, so that makes him an expert on New York.

Ask The Wrestlers

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff says "NO" to drugs and alcohol.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Intern
The Intern is wearing a 'Dr. Death' t-shirt to provoke Orndorff. Which leads to Orndorff straight up killing the dude.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via super squash

The Intern got what he deserved. Holy shit - Craig only just realised that The Intern was wearing a 'Dr. Death' t-shirt. What the fuck was he watching??

Orndorff shoves Herb and tells him it's all his fault. This man gets cooler every episode.

And then my video ends - so no main event for me? But I wanted to see The Rock and Mick Foley!

Thoughts:

• Sometimes it's so bad, it's good.
• Sometimes it's so bad, it's FML I want to die.
• I forgot what happened in WCW this week. I'll try and do better in 1991.