WrestleMania March Madness, Day Seven: WrestleMania VII

24 March 1991
Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena
Los Angeles, California - USA

Attendance: 16,158

Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan, My Uncle Alan 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan, Lord Alfred Hayes

My Thoughts Before This Viewing
I have seen this show once before, but that was also many years after it happened. I don't recall enjoying it. I remember thinking at the time that it made me glad I was no longer watching the WWF. Let's see if that opinion can be changed this time around...

Opening Video Package
Big rocking guitar. Stars & Stripes. Vince McMahon screaming.
America is awesome.
Can we go back to Canada now, please?
4/10

Even the WrestleMania logo this year has been changed to red, white and blue.

America the Beautiful
Willie Nelson is here in a WrestleMania t-shirt. AND he's wearing Hitman shades! So this guy is friends with Ryan Adam AND Bret Hart? Some guys have all the luck.
7/10

No Jesse Ventura this year. That is a real bummer. Who will be taking his place?

Fuck this show.

Backstage
Sean Mooney is with The Rockers, who say their opponents are their biggest yet - have these guys already forgotten about The Twin Towers?
They are "ready to rock". They are also lame.
3/10

Opening Match
The Rockers vs Haku & The Babarian (w/Bobby Heenan)

The story of this match is The Rockers are quick and the bad guys are slower and more powerful. The story of my ears is that they hate Uncle Alan Hacksaw and his stupidity.
Winners = The Rockers via pinfall
4/10
I'm certain that would have been better without Uncle Alan Hacksaw on commentary.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with this year's celebrity guests; Regis Philbin, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek. Regis is scared of Earthquake, Marla will be perving in the locker room and Alex makes terrible Jeopardy jokes.
Fuck this show.
1/10

Bobby Heenan has replaced Uncle Alan Hacksaw at commentary.
My television thanks you.

The Texas Tornado vs Dino Bravo (w/Jimmy Hart)
Gorilla accuses Bobby of not paying attention. Says the guy who at the last show thought what was happening was a replay. Pot. Kettle. Banana?
Winner = The Texas Tornado via pinfall following spinning back fist
3/10

Backstage
Sean Mooney is with The Warlord and Slick. The Warlord is the newest guy to be in love with the Full Nelson. Learn some good moves to be obsessed with! Slick is crazy.
1/10

'Mean' Gene is with The British Bulldog. He is talking to his bulldog, Winston, and he has no bull. Ha ha ha ha what comedy!
2/10

The British Bulldog vs The Warlord (w/Slick)
Davey Boy Smith is now going it alone as The British Bulldog. Still using the same theme as well.
This is slow. Big power guys.
Winner = The British Bulldog via pinfall following power slam
4/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with The Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart.
Fuck this show.
1/10

Backstage
Sean Mooney is with The Hart Foundation. Anvil is worked up and Bret kinda repeats himself... but it's Bret Hart, so fuck you.
6/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
The Hart Foundation (c) vs The Nasty Boys (w/Jimmy Hart)
Macaulay Culkin is watching front row. He is obviously a big Bret Hart fan.

Not a lot to make fun of here.
Except Bobby complains the crows are too noisy so tells Gorilla to ask someone to leave.
Winners = The Nasty Boys via pinfall following nasty cheating

New Champions!
8/10

Cheating bastards!

Video Package
Rick 'the Model' Martel blinded Jake 'the Snake' Roberts. That's not a nice thing to do.
4/10

Backstage
Jake 'the Snake' Roberts cuts a killer promo.
7/10

Blindfold Match
Jake 'the Snake' Roberts vs Rick 'the Model' Martel
Both men will have to wear black hoods while they wrestle. That's sure to work out well, right?
Rick Martel constantly misses moves because he can't Jake - so much comedy! Both men just flail around a lot reaching out for each other. Oh my, such excitement!
Winner = Jake 'the Snake' Roberts via pinfall following DDT
1/10

Jake attacks Martel with his snake.
That sounds a lot ruder than it actually was.

Backstage
Marla Maples interviews The Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart. Well, she stands in the locker room while all of Jimmy's men celebrate wildly.
2/10

'Superfly' Jimmy Snuka vs The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer)
The Undertaker is like a zombie. Except instead of eating brains, he eats pinfalls?
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following Tombstone piledriver 
2/10

Video Package
'Macho King' Randy Savage attacked The Ultimate Warrior in the hopes of getting a title shot, but Warrior still says no. So Macho King costs Warrior the title against Sgt. Slaughter, and that led to this match tonight.
See how much better it is when you use these videos to actually tell me something instead of just showing random scenes from dumb matches with zero context?
4/10

Career Ending Match
The Ultimate Warrior vs 'Macho King' Randy Savage (w/Queen Sherri)
Bobby spots Miss Elizabeth in the crowd - he's disgusted she is allowed here.

Macaulay Culkin had better seats. Savage and Sherri are carried out on their throne, though Savage is wearing a cowboy hat instead of his crown.

Damn does he have some tassells on that jacket! Warrior follows suit, but Savage definitely wins the tassells war.

Look at him, flaunting his mighty tassells in Warrior's face!
I've just written more on Macho King's fashion than I probably will about the wrestling.
Savage hits his mighty elbow drop. Then again. And again. And again. And again.
And Warrior kicks out easily. Ugh.
Then Warrior just hits some shoulder tackles and pins Savage with one foot on him.
Winner = The Ultimate Warrior via pinfall following shoulder tackles
7/10
Great match but that whole end sequence ruined it.

So now Randy Savage must retire? I'm sure he won't be wrestling at the next WrestleMania... Sherri attacks Savage after the match, so Miss Elizabeth runs in to make the save. Turns out she loves Randy Savage - and he loves her too!

Someone's chopping onion.


Backstage
Vince McMahon leads a discussion on the use of instant replay in the WWF with NFL analyst Paul Maguire and NY Yankees owner George Steinbrenner.

And The Bushwhackers are some sort of officials.

No fucks could be given.
-5/10

Bobby Heenan looks genuinely embarrassed.

INTERMISSION

Backstage
Regis Philbin is with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer. They don't want to talk, just measure him up for a coffin.
2/10

Alex Trebek is with Demolition. They are back in cahoots with Mr. Fuji? When did that happen? And Ax has been replaced by Crush.
3/10

Regis Philbin is with Tenryu and Kitau. They also do not want to talk to him. So he speaks to them using car brands, like Toyota. Yay racism!
-3/10

Alex Trebek is with Jake 'the Snake' Roberts. Alex is scared of Jake's snake.
That sounded much ruder than it actually was.

1/10

Fuck this show.

Tenryu & Kitau vs Demolition (w/Mr. Fuji)
The awesome Demolition theme song is gone.
Fuck this show.
Winners = Tenryu & Kitau
1/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with the Big Boss Man. Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect hurt his Mamma's feelings. Did they remind her you are her son?
2/10

Sean Mooney is with Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect. They are going to dish out justice. Perfect Justice. I think that was a Michael Dudikoff movie...
5/10

WWF Intercontinental Championship
The Big Boss Man vs Mr. Perfect (w/Bobby Heenan)
Lord Alfred Hayes has replaced Bobby Heenan on commentary while Heenan has a wrestler to manage. Perfect visibly tells Boss Man to fuck off when he doesn't accept his gift of a sweaty towel. Perfect gets the upper hand and Heenan is cheating, so Andre the Giant hobbles down to the ring and lays out Mr. Perfect with the Intercontinental belt.

Haku and The Barbarian come down to the ring and beat up on The Big Boss Man.
Winner = The Big Boss Man via disqualification
3/10

Andre stays on the outside - he probably can't even climb into the ring. It is sad to see. This is probably the last we'll see of Andre the Giant.

In The Crowd
'Mean' Gene is with Alan Partridge Donald Trump. Because his mistress is here, I guess. Luckily the sound fails.
8/10

LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN
I wish you wouldn't...
Oh shit - it's CHUCK NORRIS!

And THE FONZ!!!

Lou Ferrigno is here as well. Heenan makes hints towards himself having a date with Marla Maples and then makes fun of Lou Ferrigno because he can't hear him.

Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine vs Earthquake (w/Jimmy Hart)
Is there a good guy here? Or a reason to care?
I doubt it.
Valentine went for a figure four but obviously Jimmy Hart was out of position, so he dropped it and then went for it again -  leading to Jimmy jumping up on the apron like he was supposed to.
Dorks.
Winner = Earthquake via pinfall from a big fat ass
1/10

I guess that rock'n roll career with Honky Tonk Man didn't work out, huh Greg?

Backstage
Sean Mooney is with the Legion of Doom. Apparently, they could have had the title shot tonight against The Hart Foundation - that would have been an awesome match! Instead, they are up against Power & Glory. "When we get through with you, you'll be Sour... and Gory!"
Oooh what a burn.
2/10

Legion of Doom vs Power & Glory (w/Slick)
Murder.
Winners = Legion of Doom via pinfall following cool double team clothesline thing
7/10

I love big squash matches like that.

Video Package
The history of 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase and his bodyguard, Virgil. Virgil was his slave but now he is a man.
5/10

Virgil (w/'Rowdy' Roddy Piper) vs 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase
Piper is on crutches. Hopefully that means he won't do much.
In fact, he just gets his ass handed to him by Ted Dibiase a lot. I like that.
Winner = Virgil via countout
3/10

Everyone brawls after the match. Sherri comes out to join forces with the Million Dollar Man and the bad guys reign supreme.

Video Package
Sgt. Slaughter set a 'Hulk Rules' t-shirt on fire. Oh the humanity!
3/10

Backstage
Sean Mooney is with Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan. Slaughter has turned his back on the USA to support Iraq in the Gulf war. He also looks like a fat version of Weird Al Yankovic. And yells like a retarded old man.
2/10

Tito Santana vs The Mountie (w/Jimmy Hart)
Tito is one of the few men to be at every WrestleMania so far. I think it might be just him, Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.
Winner = The Mountie via pinfall following cheating
1/10

Gorilla just said we are all losers for seeing that match. Seriously.
He is also correct.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Hulk Hogan. Guess what? He is fighting for America - I bet you didn't see that coming!
6/10

Main Event
WWF Championship
Hulk Hogan vs Sgt. Slaughter (c) (w/General Adnan)
Guest Ring Announcer: Alex Trebek
Guest Time Keeper: Marla Maples
Guest Commentator: Regis Philbin

Champion out first because fuck this show.

Hulk tears up the Iraqi flag. That's a bit disrespectful, but whatever - 'Murica, I guess.
Hulk 'hulks up', big boot, drops the leg and America reigns supreme.
Winner = Hulk Hogan via pinfall following leg drop of doom
3/10

Hulk waves the American flag because he just won the Gulf war for America.

This may surprise you, but he poses for the crowd while Real American plays to send us out

WrestleMania VII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The Hart Foundation vs The Nasty Boys
   Controversial opinion, but I find the Warrior/Savage match totally overrated. This tag match had great excitement and was tremendously entertaining. The ending is the only thing that hurts it. That and I really don't like the Nasty Boys.
   But it was still a hundred times better than anything else on this show.
2. Worst Match
   Tenryu & Kitau vs Demolition
   The kind of match that makes you feel bad.
3. Highlight of the Show
   'Macho Man' Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth making up. Seeing everyone in the arena bawling their eyes out made me laugh.
   There totally wasn't any onion chopping in my room...
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The instant replay debate. There is a good reason Vince McMahon could never make it as an actor. And that people look poorly upon pro-wrestling at times. Those times are during that segment.
   More racism - this time with the Japanese wrestlers - came a close second.
   Uncle Alan 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan's commentary comes a close third.
5. Star of the Show
   Chuck Norris?
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   The Fonz. Despite him supporting the Ultimate Warrior, it was still The Fonz and it was so awesome to see him having a good time.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   That Alex Trebek guy. He was worthless and it makes me never want to watch Jeopardy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Today I tried something different and went with a breakfast wrap; soy bacon, eggs, spinach, tomato and spring onion topped with sweet chilli sauce. Was quite good but I really didn't get my portions quite right. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was perfect for all this USA patriotism. The box is even red, white and blue. 7-Up for drink was nice until I left it in the freezer too long and it exploded everywhere (that was actually entertaining).
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   About the same. Bit of 7-Up on there now but still not looking too bad.
10. Overall Score
    Awful show that suffered from a bad case of bi-polar; the lows were really low and the highs were quite high. But man those lows were low. And there were a lot of them. I don't know if any show will turn out worse than this. Guess we'll find out.
    3.5 out of 10