WrestleMania March Madness, Day Seventeen: WrestleMania XVII

1 April 2001
Reliant Astrodome
Houston, Texas - USA

Attendance: 67,925

Commentators: Jim Ross & Paul Heyman

I told you I care not for how WWF wish to stylise these shows - Roman Numerals look better at all times.

My thoughts before this viewing:
This was the last WrestleMania I would watch on TV or as it happened until XXV. And my awesome BFF decided to ruin the results of the show before I had a chance to watch it. Awesome guy. He also spoiled some major plot points of Machete while I was in the middle of watching it. And people wonder why I don't bother having friends? I remember this show just looking huge - funny to see the promo last night where they said they were aiming to make this the biggest WrestleMania of all time, though it did miss out by about 25,000. Ironically, they are trying again next year - in Texas again, as well. I think a lot of fans still consider this the best WrestleMania of all time, but I'm not so nostalgic. This was 2001, after all, and I've just spent a week sitting through the worst WrestleManias of all time. Seriously. It has been a week since the awesome that was WrestleMania X and it's all been downhill since. This show better be somewhat watchable or I am going to have to start making up my own shows instead. Coming up at WrestleMania XIX: RoboCop takes on Godzilla in a battle to see who gets to go on a date with Lindsay Lohan. Spoiler alert: it's a swerve so Bret 'Hitman' Hart can take both guys out with a sharpshooter. I will get the date with Lindsay Lohan. She has Billy Joel lyrics tattooed on her arm and her surname is really close to my first name - we must be soul mates.

Do I really have to do this?

Fuck this show!

Sorry, just getting warmed up...

Opening Video Package
Hey, look - it's he history of WrestleMania! Who wouldn've thought... and apparently everyone around the world watches this with their loved ones. Or at least, everyone in stereotype world.
4/10

Limp Bizkit are poviding our music tonight, just so this show can permanently be dated in a time when that band was popular.

Video Package
Chris Jericho peed in William Regal's tea. Classy.
5/10

Opening Match
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Chris Jericho (c) vs William Regal

Jim Ross says William Regal has an "unusual style" - you mean wrestling?
Winner = Chris Jericho via pinfall following lionsault
7/10

Shane McMahon arrives in the WCW limo. Excitement!

Backstage
The Acolytes and Jacqueline are smoking cigars because that shows they are badass. Bradshaw is rattling off Texas things... or having a stroke. Either way, I hope he dies.
1/10

Tazz & The Acolytes (w/Jacqueline) vs Right to Censor

Jim Ross makes fun of Tazz for being short - WWF haven't yet implemented their anti-bullying campaign, I guess. The Godfather has seen the error of his ways and has now changed his name to Goodfather? So why hasn't his buddy Val Venis got a better name as well?
Winners = Tazz & The Acolytes via pinfall following clothesline from Bradshaw
5/10

Relive WrestleMania with the special edition magazine! You can buy that and other shitty things from their lame website. Or just read my fantastic blog!

They keep promoting Snickers. Makes me want a Snickers. I hate you guys...

Backstage
Stephanie McMahon encounters Trish Stratus who is wheeling Linda McMahon around in a wheelchair. Linda looks catatonic. Stephanie and Trish look good. None of that helps me understand what is going on.
2/10

Triple Threat Match
WWF Hardcore Championship
Kane vs Big Show vs Raven (c)

Kane must have healed some of those burns because he has new ring gear which exposes his arms. I guess winning all those wrestling matches earned him enough money to afford to some laser surgery. Pro-wrestling heals! In a shocking turn of events, a hardcore match ends up in a backstage brawl. Construction quality in Texas must be terrible because everything these guys touch totally falls to pieces. I've seen buildings made of Lego that hold up better. Kane runs over Raven with a golf cart. They just took out the drinks table - there are thirsty kids in Africa, you jerks! This shit must be really be boring for the people in the arena who can't see what's going on.
Winner = Kane via pinfall following hardcore nonsense
3/10

Backstage
Kurt Angle is going all psycho killer when Edge & Christian try to talk to him. All this wrestling Chris Benoit has been a bad influence on him...
4/10

In The Crowd
Coach is talking to some fat chick from Australia. Her message to the world is that stupid 'Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie' chant.
1/10

The Rock arrives backstage and the crowd boos. Stupid rednecks.

WWF European Championship
Test (c) vs Eddie Guerrero (w/Perry Saturn)
Perry Saturn came prepared to party.

Always come prepared to party.
Winner = Eddie Guerrero via pinfall following shenanigans
New Champion!
5/10

Backstage
Michael Cole talks to Mick Foley, who will be the special referee for the Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon match. This dude has a sad obsession with being a referee. Five bucks says he gets beaten up at some point.
5/10

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin arrives backstage and the crowd cheers. Stupid rednecks.

Chris Benoit vs Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle is such a great bad guy; he is an American Olympic gold-medalist who comes out adorned in red, white & blue and he is up against a Canadian... and he still gets the crowd to boo him. In Texas. Benoit looks like a stone cold killer. Too soon? The commentators rave about Benoit being an undefeated WCW champion. They don't mention he was undefeated because he won the title and then quit the company 12 hours later. So unless Ric Flair was going to follow him to the airport and get someone to authorise a championship match in the food court, it was going to be pretty hard to defeat him for the title.
Winner = Kurt Angle via pinfall while holding the tights
9/10

Backstage
Michael Cole follows William Regal to his office, where he finds Kamala looking for a belly rub.
1/10

The WWF had some rally or something with the US Army. The army guys show no respect for Kurt Angle - an actual American hero! How rude.

Backstage
Kevin Kelly talks to Kurt Angle. He declares he is the best so Chris Benoit attacks him and leaves a bible next to his body. That Benoit has some anger problems - you guys should probably get him some help before he hurts someone.
6/10

I think there is a special section of hell reserved for people like me..

Video Package
Ivory and Right to Censor hurt Chyna's neck and possibly ended her career. Much like that burnt retina?
2/10

WWF Women's Championship
Chyna vs Ivory (c)
Chyna murderises Ivory so much I think her last name is Benoit.
Winner = Chyna via pinfall following Ultimate Warrior impression
4/10

What? There is a special Kurt Angle pay-per-view show???

In The Crowd
Coach talks to some Texan footballers. No, wait - they are baseball players. Shows how much I care.

Backstage
Vince McMahon is with Linda, Stephanie and Trish. Michael Cole interrupts so Vince promises another swerve. Oh fuck you.
2/10

Video Package
Vince is having an affair with Trish - oh, that makes sense. I still don't know why Linda is catatonic. Or why this bullshit is on TV. Shane is defending his Mother's honour and bought WCW to annoy Vince.
6/10

Street Fight
Shane McMahon vs Vince McMahon
Guest Referee: Mick Foley
McMahon vs McMahon yet again? Was I Chris Benoit in my previous life? Or maybe I should stop making Benoit jokes...
I always wonder what the Spanish commentary must be like once their table gets destroyed and they lose their monitors; do they make up the rest of the action? Or do they just bitch about WWF always doing this to them at every show?
Guess what?

Trish turns on Vince, which leads to a rumble between her and Stephanie. Oh look, Stephanie slapped Mick Foley. Then Vince beats him with a chair. You can leave the $5 for me on your way out. Now Linda is out of her coma? She kicks Vince in the balls. Foley beats him up some more. Then Shane finishes him off.
Winner = Shane McMahon via pinfall following swerve city
6/10

WWF Axxess
Kevin Kelly decides the Hardy Boyz don't need to talk to the fans that have paid good money and waited all day to meet them - they should instead answer his questions really badly. That's OK, Jeff probably would have just tried to sell them drugs. He thinks this match could end his career. Are there police in the crowd?
2/10

TLC - Tables, Ladders & Chairs
WWF Tag Team Championship
The Hardy Boyz vs Edge & Christian vs The Dudley Boyz
Well, now - doesn't this look familiar... The only difference is the Hardy Boyz now wear mesh tops because they are studs. And it isn't just a ladder match - this time tables and chairs have been added. Even though they were totally used last time. But this shit just got a lot crazier:

Winners = Edge & Christian via survival again
New Champions!
Even the same result as last time - the other teams should stop signing up for these matches against Edge & Christian.
9/10

More Axxess stuff. I guess WWF really wants to make sure you pay to go next year. Just avoid meeting wrestlers when Kevin Kelly is interviewing them. And don't buy drugs from Jeff Hardy. Or do? He's probably got good shit. Then don't accept a bible from Chris Benoit.

Gimmick Battle Royal
Here comes Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan and 'Mean' Gene Okerlund to call the action. Oh yes please! Keep them out for the rest of the show, if you want.

Oh and here come The Bushwhackers with their wacky New Zealand stomp.

Fuck you. Earthquake is actually now slimmer than The Iron Sheik; not just because Earthquake has lost weight, but The Iron Sheik has gotten fat. His math does suck, so he probably isn't very good at counting calories.
Winner = The Iron Shiek via being old and fat
1/10

Sgt. Slaughter shows true classic good guy sportsmanship and beats up the Iron Shiek

Video Package
Triple H started shit with The Undertaker, who is now a badass red-headed biker that listens to Limp Bizkit. They didn't actually say that in the video, I just thought you should know. They've also taken the "The" from his name.
6/10

Musical Performance
Motorhead play Triple H's theme as he walks out. Triple H sure has shitty taste in live bands.
3/10

Undertaker vs Triple H
Undertaker rides his motorcycle to the ring because he is a badass biker dude and Limp Bizkit is playing. Seriously - Rollin' is his new theme. Apparently the H bomb destroyed Undertaker's other motorcycle - probably should have shown that in the video package, or would that provide the viewer with too much backstory to a match?
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following last ride powerbomb
6/10

In The Crowd
Coach talks to some stupid teenager that sucks at photoshop. Just look at the pile of shit he created:

Stick to using your parents' computer for minesweeper and downloading from Napster.

Video Package
The best Limp Bizkit music video you will ever see.
10/10

WWF Championship
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs The Rock (c)
This match has just been made 'No Disqualification'. There have been weapons and cheating in every match tonight - what would have made this any different? The Rock gets Austin in a sharpshooter and the referee makes him break the hold. In a no disqualification match?

Did you guys just conveniently forget about that while planning this match? Both men beat the absolute snot out of each other and Austin tries every trick in his bag of tricks but he just can't put The Rock away. Which means it is time for the...

Vince McMahon comes down and helps Steve Austin beat the crap out of The Rock with a chair.

Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via steel chair beat down
New Champion!
9/10

And the crowd cheers. Stupid rednecks. Austin beats up The Rock some more and then has a few beers with Vince McMahon while the shitty Disturbed version of his theme plays to send us out.

WrestleMania XVII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Chris Benoit vs Kurt Angle
   And it wasn't even the best match they ever had. Think about that for a minute...
2. Worst Match
   The Gimmick Battle Royal
   While Bobby Heenan and 'Mean' Gene were a welcome addition to the show, all the 'gimmicks' in the battle royal were garbage.
3. Highlight of the Show
   A main event with 4 sharpshooters. If any of them had been performed by Bret Hart, best believe this world would have imploded from the awesome.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Like last year, the McMahon family drama. My caring for that disappeared about 15 years ago.
5. Star of the Show
   The Rock. Very close call between him and Steve Austin, but I feel like The Rock just had that bit of charisma that no one can match. Not even Austin. Despite what this redneck crowd wanted to think.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Were there any? I didn't notice any of relevance.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Any third rate American sports people that appeared and talked nonsense. And maybe Motorhead, too.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight it was back to the solid hoki fillet wrap with avocado, spinach, tomato, red onion and tartare sauce. Pepsi Next has really become my beverage of choice for these long shows. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was quite good tonight.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   The t-shirt didn't fare too poorly this evening, as I only spilled a couple of things here and there. But avocado has a tendency to go that gross brown colour...
10. Overall Score
    Finally! This show is even better than I remember - a lot of excitement and fun. The only problems were the ending (doing that in Texas was a stupid mistake as they would cheer anything Steve Austin did) and quite frankly, the length of the show. Had they cut out a few things to make it 3 hours it would have been so much better. But still great to break the week of terrible shows with a WrestleMania to be proud of. If you take pride in a show dedicated to sweaty men rolling around together in their underpants.
    7.5 out of 10