7 April 2013
MetLife Stadium
East Rutherford, New Jersey - USA
Attendance: 80,676
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry 'the King' Lawler & JBL
My thoughts before this viewing:
I watched this show a day or two after it happened. It was boring. Just a bunch of rematches with the wrong people winning - but predictably, because I guess they should win or something. So yeah, four hours of predictable boring matches. Why the hell am I watching this again? Can it be April 1st today already? Is it too early in the day to start drinking tequila?
Opening Video Package
There was a big storm that hit New York or New Jersey, but New York is awesome and Americans are the best!
1/10
Video Package
Wrestlers are unbreakable like New York. That's not what the "Don't Try This at Home" videos always tell me.
4/10
We are only 6 minutes in and I've already heard this year's theme song twice. I am going to get sick of that really quick.
Opening Match
6-Man Tag Match
Sheamus, Big Show & Randy Orton vs The Shield
Why would you choose Big Show as your tag partner? They explained last year that he never wins at WrestleMania - you have no one to blame but yourselves!
Michael Cole seems to think "chaos" and "calculated" mean the same thing. He needs a dictionary. And a brain. And a less annoying voice.
Winners = The Shield via pinfall on Randy Orton
5/10
Video Package
John Cena is sad because he lost to The Rock - it even led to his divorce. I thought that had more to do with him sleeing with WWE divas, or did The Rock make him do that? Was it the stipulation from losing the match?
5/10
Snooki is back, but just in the crowd.
Ryback vs Mark Henry
Michael Cole says there is "so much on the line" with this match. Please tell me what is actually on the line; these are just two big goofs that aren't champions of any form. There is no stipulation attached. And Mark Henry is fat and immobile.
Winner = Mark Henry via pinfall following falling on Ryback
1/10
Ryback hits his finishing move after the match. So he lost because he is useless and then destroyed the guy that won? You both like losers now. Good work.
WWE are sponsoring the Special Olympics or something.
Oh and there is a competition for tickets to WrestleMania XXX.
World Tag Team Championship
Kane & Daniel Bryan (c) vs Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston (w/AJ Lee)
The twitter feed is scrolling along the bottom of the screen - very distracting.
Winners = Kane & Daniel Bryan via pin on Dolph Ziggler
7/10
Boy, this crowd sure loves Daniel Bryan. WWE should really do something about that.
John Cena brags about granting over 300 wishes for Make-a-Wish.
No one likes a bragger, John.
Chris Jericho vs Fandango
Fandango is a dancer of some sort. Except he is actually not a good dancer. He is also not a good wrestler, because he just gets beat up for 10 minutes without doing anything except getting beat up some more. Until he wins the match?
Winner = Fandango via pinfall rollup
2/10
Commercial for WWE toys.
Video Package
The Rock has millions of fans.
7/10
We've actually had more videos about the main event than we've had actual matches.
Going the Distance - one of the themes from Rocky - is playing in the arena. Yes I know the song. Rocky movies are the best. There is some dialogue from a Run DMC song (Here We Go) spliced in. Oh, this is an intro to Diddy. Remember yesterday when I said he should have performed?
Musical Performance
Diddy doing some songs. It's Diddy. It's all right.
7/10
Video Package
Jack Swagger has a racist manager. Alberto del Rio is the American dream (not Dusty Rhodes?); he was born in Mexico but made in America. That's not what his tattoo says.
7/10
World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto del Rio (c) (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) vs Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Coulter)
Zeb doesn't like immigrants and Swagger is wearing too much makeup.
For a match with such a 'controversial' angle, it really had no heat. And I actually really like Alberto del Rio.
Winner = Alberto del Rio via submission
6/10
WWE support the National Guard. I support not giving a shit.
Video Package
Paul Bearer died for realsies and CM Punk gave no shits about respecting that.
8/10
Musical Performance
Living Colour are here to play Cult of Personality. 7 year-old Logman just lost his mind. Hell, it's 2015 and this song is still one of the most played tracks on my iPod. They should have been given more time to perform the full song. Stupid WWE. I bet if this was the H bomb's entrance they would have been given 20 minutes.
9/10
The Undertaker vs CM Punk (w/Paul Heyman)
CM Punk taunts and mock The Undertaker. The crowd are split but the commentators insist the "CM Punk" chants are really for The Undertaker.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
10/10
Video Package
John Cena wants redemption. I've heard that 50 times already.
5/10
Video Package
Triple H is angry. Brock Lesnar is bad. Logman is bored.
2/10
No Holds Barred
If Triple H Loses, He Must Retire
Triple H (w/Shawn Michaels) vs Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman)
Again, I hate stipulations like this because it makes the outcome abundantly clear. There is no way the H bomb retires at the hands of someone like Brock Lesnar. And all the hype of this match can barely match its yawn power.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following pedigree on the steel steps
4/10
That just went on forever. It was like they planned on going at it all week.
Promo for The Rock's new movie, Pain & Gain. It was OK.
Hall of Fame highlights. I'd make fun, Bruno Sammartino and Arnold Schwarzenegger were there so it is automatically better than me.
This whole show has been filled with commercials and promos and all sorts of video packages that just do nothing for the show. Except feel like it is a big stupid commercial. Seriously, there have been like 3 video packages that actually relate to matches and 28 that are just to tell us what WWE are doing. And to think a match actually got cut and Living Colour were only allowed to play half of Cult of Personality...
Main Event
WWE Championship
The Rock (c) vs John Cena
No over the top entrances tonight - guess there is one benefit to the last match being an hour long. The commentators are concerned about Cena's ability to handle the "big matches" and then rattle off all the big matches in WrestleMania that he has won. You are all retarded. Except for you, Rocky - you are awesome.
This match is like a video game and you and your friend are just hitting each other with your finishing moves until the other person's power bar finally goes to zero.
Winner = John Cena via pinfall following 100 attitude adjustments
New Champion!
4/10
The Rock raises John Cena's hand to the approval of no one, except John Cena who seems to be enjoying it immensely, as John Cena's rapping plays us out.
WrestleMania XXIX: The Awards
MetLife Stadium
East Rutherford, New Jersey - USA
Attendance: 80,676
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry 'the King' Lawler & JBL
My thoughts before this viewing:
I watched this show a day or two after it happened. It was boring. Just a bunch of rematches with the wrong people winning - but predictably, because I guess they should win or something. So yeah, four hours of predictable boring matches. Why the hell am I watching this again? Can it be April 1st today already? Is it too early in the day to start drinking tequila?
Opening Video Package
There was a big storm that hit New York or New Jersey, but New York is awesome and Americans are the best!
1/10
Video Package
Wrestlers are unbreakable like New York. That's not what the "Don't Try This at Home" videos always tell me.
4/10
We are only 6 minutes in and I've already heard this year's theme song twice. I am going to get sick of that really quick.
Opening Match
6-Man Tag Match
Sheamus, Big Show & Randy Orton vs The Shield
Why would you choose Big Show as your tag partner? They explained last year that he never wins at WrestleMania - you have no one to blame but yourselves!
Michael Cole seems to think "chaos" and "calculated" mean the same thing. He needs a dictionary. And a brain. And a less annoying voice.
Winners = The Shield via pinfall on Randy Orton
5/10
Video Package
John Cena is sad because he lost to The Rock - it even led to his divorce. I thought that had more to do with him sleeing with WWE divas, or did The Rock make him do that? Was it the stipulation from losing the match?
5/10
Snooki is back, but just in the crowd.
Ryback vs Mark Henry
Michael Cole says there is "so much on the line" with this match. Please tell me what is actually on the line; these are just two big goofs that aren't champions of any form. There is no stipulation attached. And Mark Henry is fat and immobile.
Winner = Mark Henry via pinfall following falling on Ryback
1/10
Ryback hits his finishing move after the match. So he lost because he is useless and then destroyed the guy that won? You both like losers now. Good work.
WWE are sponsoring the Special Olympics or something.
Oh and there is a competition for tickets to WrestleMania XXX.
World Tag Team Championship
Kane & Daniel Bryan (c) vs Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston (w/AJ Lee)
The twitter feed is scrolling along the bottom of the screen - very distracting.
Winners = Kane & Daniel Bryan via pin on Dolph Ziggler
7/10
Boy, this crowd sure loves Daniel Bryan. WWE should really do something about that.
John Cena brags about granting over 300 wishes for Make-a-Wish.
No one likes a bragger, John.
Chris Jericho vs Fandango
Fandango is a dancer of some sort. Except he is actually not a good dancer. He is also not a good wrestler, because he just gets beat up for 10 minutes without doing anything except getting beat up some more. Until he wins the match?
Winner = Fandango via pinfall rollup
2/10
Commercial for WWE toys.
Video Package
The Rock has millions of fans.
7/10
We've actually had more videos about the main event than we've had actual matches.
Going the Distance - one of the themes from Rocky - is playing in the arena. Yes I know the song. Rocky movies are the best. There is some dialogue from a Run DMC song (Here We Go) spliced in. Oh, this is an intro to Diddy. Remember yesterday when I said he should have performed?
Musical Performance
Diddy doing some songs. It's Diddy. It's all right.
7/10
Video Package
Jack Swagger has a racist manager. Alberto del Rio is the American dream (not Dusty Rhodes?); he was born in Mexico but made in America. That's not what his tattoo says.
7/10
World Heavyweight Championship
Alberto del Rio (c) (w/Ricardo Rodriguez) vs Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Coulter)
Zeb doesn't like immigrants and Swagger is wearing too much makeup.
For a match with such a 'controversial' angle, it really had no heat. And I actually really like Alberto del Rio.
Winner = Alberto del Rio via submission
6/10
WWE support the National Guard. I support not giving a shit.
Video Package
Paul Bearer died for realsies and CM Punk gave no shits about respecting that.
8/10
Musical Performance
Living Colour are here to play Cult of Personality. 7 year-old Logman just lost his mind. Hell, it's 2015 and this song is still one of the most played tracks on my iPod. They should have been given more time to perform the full song. Stupid WWE. I bet if this was the H bomb's entrance they would have been given 20 minutes.
9/10
The Undertaker vs CM Punk (w/Paul Heyman)
CM Punk taunts and mock The Undertaker. The crowd are split but the commentators insist the "CM Punk" chants are really for The Undertaker.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
10/10
Video Package
John Cena wants redemption. I've heard that 50 times already.
5/10
Video Package
Triple H is angry. Brock Lesnar is bad. Logman is bored.
2/10
No Holds Barred
If Triple H Loses, He Must Retire
Triple H (w/Shawn Michaels) vs Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman)
Again, I hate stipulations like this because it makes the outcome abundantly clear. There is no way the H bomb retires at the hands of someone like Brock Lesnar. And all the hype of this match can barely match its yawn power.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following pedigree on the steel steps
4/10
That just went on forever. It was like they planned on going at it all week.
Promo for The Rock's new movie, Pain & Gain. It was OK.
Hall of Fame highlights. I'd make fun, Bruno Sammartino and Arnold Schwarzenegger were there so it is automatically better than me.
This whole show has been filled with commercials and promos and all sorts of video packages that just do nothing for the show. Except feel like it is a big stupid commercial. Seriously, there have been like 3 video packages that actually relate to matches and 28 that are just to tell us what WWE are doing. And to think a match actually got cut and Living Colour were only allowed to play half of Cult of Personality...
Main Event
WWE Championship
The Rock (c) vs John Cena
No over the top entrances tonight - guess there is one benefit to the last match being an hour long. The commentators are concerned about Cena's ability to handle the "big matches" and then rattle off all the big matches in WrestleMania that he has won. You are all retarded. Except for you, Rocky - you are awesome.
This match is like a video game and you and your friend are just hitting each other with your finishing moves until the other person's power bar finally goes to zero.
Winner = John Cena via pinfall following 100 attitude adjustments
New Champion!
4/10
The Rock raises John Cena's hand to the approval of no one, except John Cena who seems to be enjoying it immensely, as John Cena's rapping plays us out.
WrestleMania XXIX: The Awards
- Best Match
The Undertaker vs CM Punk
I never really thought CM Punk had a chance at being 'the one', but he acted like such a crazy man that it really worked. - Worst Match
Ryback vs Mark Henry
Usually I am all for big dudes having big dude matches. But this was just stupid and neither man came off the winner. - Highlight of the Show
CM Punk's facial expressions in his match against The Undertaker. - Lowlight of the Show
This whole show feeling like a 4 hour commercial. - Star of the Show
John Cena. This whole show - when not being a commercial - was all about his redemption and The Rock 'passing the torch'. Fun facts; John Cena has more title reigns, headlined more pay-per-view shows and been the top guy in the company for much longer than The Rock. In fact, during his 6 year career, The Rock was never really considered the top guy - he was more like the number 2 guy under 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. So John Cena has actually accomplished far more than The Rock... yet he still was promoted as the underdog and needed The Rock to pass the torch to him. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Living Colour. Seeing them rock the house was awesome, even if they didn't get to play the song in full.
- Worst Celebrity Appearance
I don't know. The National Guard? - Tonight's Meal
Today was a return to the breakfast wrap; hash brown, avocado, scrambled eggs, kale, mushrooms & tomato, topped with sweet chilli sauce. 7-Up was about as bad I could be and the Chips Ahoy! with Reese's peanut butter cups were a great way to end things. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
Just not good. I don't even want to look at it right now. - Overall Score
BOOOOOOOOORRRING!
4 out of 10
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